Leaning into Now

My husband and I, packing up our little band of misfits and all of our worldly possessions, moved exactly one month ago, to the mountains of North Carolina.  A dream of almost 20 years realized, we have gone about setting all the details of our lives in place. There have been many moments of chaos, anxiety, fear, worry, joy, apprehension, grief, sadness, excitement and calmness.  These "moments" never come with any order or warning.  They just appear from thin air, and when they have had a whirl, they tend to leave just as quickly.

I haven't wrote much about it because I don't like to be off balance let alone appear like a staggering drunk.  But here's the truth.......this simple decision of picking up and moving has had subtle and profound affects on me that I never even thought of.  The good, the bad and the sheerly different details don't really matter.  What does matter is the fact that I am creating more than I ever have - even through the confusion of stability and emotional centeredness.  I am fragile, vulnerable and unbalanced at times, and yet with that melee' has come incredible moments of inspiration and creativity.  Go figure........

I stand in this transition realizing more and more what very little we actually have control over. As I do with clay, I must let go of holding on so tightly, to the old, the comfortable, the familiar and start to embrace the next chapter of my life.  May it be beautiful........IMG_4585

Keeping My Word

As a long practicing Massage Therapist, whenever a client wouldn't schedule after their appointment I would always say, "I am here whenever you need me." And I meant it.  Fast forward 22 years, and I am now standing on the precipice of my own move and evolution as a person, a therapist, an artist.  I am the person who isn't rescheduling........... In a very vulnerable way, I have gone through the emotional tumult of feeling as though I'm not keeping my word.  I have always been a loyal kind of girl; once I call someone my friend they are my friend. Period.  As a lot of us do, I never thought things would change.  I thought that I would always be here for my clients and I could be, at times, the one stable place that they could come to to get out of the chaos of daily life.  And then............things change, life happens and we either recognize it, readjust our sails and lean into it or we resist it and allow the friction to envelop us.

Clay has taught me that, as in life, there are more things in motion than I am aware of.  I may have a "fixed" idea of how I want a piece to turn out and honestly, that just sets me up for either disappointment or revelation, and it's all about how I view it.  With our impending move to the mountains of Western North Carolina all of the seats of the emotional roller coaster are available to me.  It's my choice which one I sit in.  Should I sit in the front seat leaning into the wind, the change and the excitement?  Or do I sit in the back with a look of abject terror strewn across my face, hoping and praying the bird that just flew by doesn't crap in my face? The position I choose changes on a daily basis, sometimes hourly.  But, in a beautiful, messy, sort of way, that's what the freedom to choose is all about.  Our emotional "being-ness" isn't supposed to be a final destination, it's a journey.

As I say Goodbye to all the clients and friends that I have made over the past few decades, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will STILL be there whenever they need me.  In this chapter, it may be a phone call, a thought, a wish of light moving toward them, but I will hold them in my heart wherever change takes us all. And I know, just as the sun rises tomorrow, they will be there for me.

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The Simplicity of Change

There are times in our lives where change is not only possible, it is inevitable. As I grow, the things, relationships and general "stuff" that once brought a smile to my face now weigh heavy on my shoulders. A friend once told me that "sometimes.....darlin'......your appointment is just over." I have thought back on that many times and realized there is great truth in that simple wisdom. We, as a general rule, don't like change. It makes us feel uncomfortable in our own skin; perhaps it's the unknown that makes us nervous, or the fear of making a wrong choice or never wanting to appear less than certain about our direction in life. But here's the kicker.........life doesn't come with any guarantees. One day you could wake up and realize that your appointment is over with this world. Yes, change can be overwhelming, especially when it's unbidden and unwelcome. But somewhere, along the line, most of us have secretly wished and dreamt of a new day, a new start, a new lease.

Since I am one of the many that have mixed emotions regarding change I am paying attention to the state of being of "simplicity". I ask myself everyday, do I want, need, desire or feel obligated to whatever is in front of me. I have a grand tendency to make everything way too complicated. So I am taking a simpler approach. If I am wrestling with something, I take it into myself and see how it "feels" in my body. If I instantly become anxious, nervous or filled with despair, I realize that this may not be the wise choice for me. If, instead, I take something in and feel a sense of calm, clarity and instantly, without recognizing it, take a big ol' deep breath, I get a sneaking suspicion I am onto what works for me.

Life is going to happen no matter how much I try and hold it off. So, as with life, so it is with clay. There are times when only the simple IMG_3276approach works. I have a funny feeling it's that way ALL the time.......

Balance and Flow

There have been times in my life that I was absolutely sure that I needed, damn well deserved, balance in my life.  I focused on attaining it everyday.  I willed myself to have time for all of my duties and obligations, my wants and desires, and all of the other things that I was just sure that made up the ever illusive quality of balance.  Guess what?  Not only did I fail miserably at achieving it, I also added on the caveat of reprimanding myself for not being strong enough, smart enough or evolved enough to make it happen.  This cycle started as a struggle and turned into lose-lose on all sides. Before I knew what was happening, I had found myself with a first class ticket to Crazy town! Today, while taking a yoga class from my masterful instructor, Mary Lyn, a light bulb went on in my head between Crow Pose and Leap Frog.  It's not balance that matters to me...... it's the "flow".  As there is a flow in yoga, so there is in life and art.  We all know when we are in a state of grace and flow.  Whether through our chosen profession or the art form that chooses us, we can keenly sense the sweet spot when it appears.  You see, trying to balance work and life just creates a big fat "zero" in the end. We are running so hard between the two extremes that we gain nothing other than a lot of exhaustion and failure.  There really isn't any lasting growth.  However, being in the flow of the moment, the task, the touch, the beauty of creation......well that's the place I want to live.  To give ourselves completely to who or what is in front of us, to "Be Here Now" gives us the opportunity to be fully present.  When we enter this state of grace, time ceases to matter or exist.  Yeah, I want more of that.  So how to get it?  Make conscious choices about who and what we bring into our life.  Everyone and everything can take a little piece of you.  Make sure that it's worth the cost........and then open up, be present and breathe.

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