It has been a little less than 90 days since my husband and I, along with our 3 dogs and 3 large UHaul's worth of stuff landed in the mountains of North Carolina. I return to Florida once a month for four days to maintain a long standing massage practice and am asked by almost everyone if I love my new home. Well.......here are the answers I have come up with so far.......1. Beginnings are full of magic, hope and lots of heavy lifting. How did I ever think that we didn't have too much stuff??? The velocity of wanting something to work helps for it to work - it just takes more time than I idealized. 2. Endings are painful, emotional, cleansing, cathartic and involve more heavy lifting. Damn! Some of the people I thought would be with me forever have just upped and disappeared........some I never thought would give me a second thought have been the support I didn't even know I needed. And the stuff.........cleaning out is a beautiful thing but requires fortitude and lots of upper body strength :) 3. The mountains are my muse and I am their bitch. No two ways about it - they are in my DNA and they own my heart. I, in turn, work diligently to honor them in my life and in my art. 4. I miss my tribe, my community and my girlfriends. Sometimes, there is no substitute for spending a few hours with a girlfriend that just "gets you". They don't need to fix you just the way you don't need to be fixed. To hear the words, "me, too!!", is so damn comforting that it makes me want to cry tears of joy knowing that I am connected with another person. 5. I'm a whole lotta of me for new people in my life to take in. A girlfriend called me "formidable" yesterday. I finally understand that it's not for me to decided whether I am too much or too little.........I just "am". 6. I am stronger than I thought. Putting one foot in front of the other can be an incredible challenge at times but moving through is the best way I know how to get to the other side and find progress and peace for my soul. 7. I am more vulnerable than I thought. Ohhhhhh, this is a tough one for me - Ms. Strong Enough. I am fragile and prone to self doubt and ridicule. It's nice to know that there are people out there who inspire me to be gentle with myself. The discovery that in all the change I have encountered the past few months - what matters most, to me, are the treasures of friendship. I bow In gratitude to you, my friends who make up my heart.
As a long practicing Massage Therapist, whenever a client wouldn't schedule after their appointment I would always say, "I am here whenever you need me." And I meant it. Fast forward 22 years, and I am now standing on the precipice of my own move and evolution as a person, a therapist, an artist. I am the person who isn't rescheduling........... In a very vulnerable way, I have gone through the emotional tumult of feeling as though I'm not keeping my word. I have always been a loyal kind of girl; once I call someone my friend they are my friend. Period. As a lot of us do, I never thought things would change. I thought that I would always be here for my clients and I could be, at times, the one stable place that they could come to to get out of the chaos of daily life. And then............things change, life happens and we either recognize it, readjust our sails and lean into it or we resist it and allow the friction to envelop us.
Clay has taught me that, as in life, there are more things in motion than I am aware of. I may have a "fixed" idea of how I want a piece to turn out and honestly, that just sets me up for either disappointment or revelation, and it's all about how I view it. With our impending move to the mountains of Western North Carolina all of the seats of the emotional roller coaster are available to me. It's my choice which one I sit in. Should I sit in the front seat leaning into the wind, the change and the excitement? Or do I sit in the back with a look of abject terror strewn across my face, hoping and praying the bird that just flew by doesn't crap in my face? The position I choose changes on a daily basis, sometimes hourly. But, in a beautiful, messy, sort of way, that's what the freedom to choose is all about. Our emotional "being-ness" isn't supposed to be a final destination, it's a journey.
As I say Goodbye to all the clients and friends that I have made over the past few decades, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will STILL be there whenever they need me. In this chapter, it may be a phone call, a thought, a wish of light moving toward them, but I will hold them in my heart wherever change takes us all. And I know, just as the sun rises tomorrow, they will be there for me.
We are in the process of selling our "house" and moving into our first home. I know that may sound odd but stick with me. When I was growing up we lived for almost a decade in the mountains of West Virginia. When our Dad took a job in Iowa, being only 13, I reluctantly followed. Leaving those heavenly mountains, filled with it's abundance of all things nature, we were plunged into vast, flat, middle America. The redeeming factor to this move was and continues to be the life long friends I made. However, we left our home and lived in another 3 houses before I left and married. All of them felt temporary, average, easily forgettable.
I never felt a deep connection with any of them......and there were quite a few. 5 houses with my parents, 3 houses with my first husband, 3 with my forever husband. And then, through a number of serendipitous events, we came to the house on Walton Lane. That's right, Walton Lane.
After walking through the house and property, I could barely contain my passionate desire to move in immediately. No, it's not fancy or big; there is simply a connection that feels like home. A place with the comfort that only trees can bring and land and space to create a life. A place that I can see us growing older and wiser; where my daughter can come with her future family and feel like they have come to rest and reflect. A place where my creativity can expand in ways I might never have imagined.
It's true, Dorothy, there is no place like home. I can't wait to get there....